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Grandpa Tommy’s dad used to say “A cowful is a substantial quantity.” According to my research, the rumen on a mature cow can hold up to 300 pounds. And by anybody’s standards that is quite a bit. Say you had a cowful of pocket change. You’d almost need a cow to keep it in. Say you had a cowful of wet laundry. It would take a forklift to get it in the dryer. Say you had a cowful of manure. Well, I guess a lot of us do. If cowful became an accepted unit of measure it could replace the antiquate...
Embarrassing moments. Nobody likes to talk about them. Oh, they’ll talk about slipping on the ice on their first date or getting bucked off a gentle horse. Other folks empathize and usually they laugh. But it makes people uneasy when it’s really embarrassing. They might titter nervously but if it’s really awful it makes us uncomfortable. It could happen to me! Like the time I leaned into a car window and asked a new acquaintance to dance and she didn’t have any legs. It was shattering to a hi...
I consider myself among other things, a former horse mechanic. The horses I did veterinary work on were ranch and feedlot beasts of burden. Workin’ animals from man’s point of view. Up until about fifty years ago that would describe most of the horses vets worked on. I was always a little vain about distinguishing that my patients worked for a living, earned their daily oats and made a contribution to the good of mankind. Backyard horse practice sorta ranked with spayin’ cats and trimming Chihu...
He was the last burro left in the dusty corral. His two companions had been sold by the man. They were younger, stronger and finer looking even by burro standards, which are quite high. They were worth more and brought more money which was what the man needed. Pickin’s were slim. Every evening the man would stake the last burro out down below the spring to graze. During the day he went with the man and packed mud or water or rocks or wood. One morning the man fed him a small bowl of grain. T...
1. New baler twine to tie up last year’s five-buckle overshoes. 2. Something that will kill Canadian thistle. 3. A hot shot that works for more than a morning. 4. A dog that does more good out of the pickup than in it. 5. A cattle buyer who admits that he likes your calves. 6. A feedlot customer with a bottomless wallet. 7. A molasses salesman who thinks your hay will be adequate without his $200-a-ton supplement. 8. A vet who suggests that you buy your vaccine at the co-op. 9. A teenage d...
I’m takin’ you back to the summer of 2003. Out of the blue I got a call from Patrick Gottsch, a member of the well-known Nebraska ag family. He told me he was building a TV channel dedicated solely to agriculture and the rural community. I asked if he had any programs lined up? He said, “Yes, we are filming the entire National FFA Convention!” I admit it made me raise an eyebrow. My Oklahoma family were farmers. It is in my blood. I joined the Las Cruces, New Mexico FFA. On to New Mexico...
Yeah, he wished he was a cowboy but just at times like this (Yup, he’s glad that he’s a cowboy but there’s times on days like this) When he spent the day ahorseback and had time to reminisce (When he spends all day a’horseback thinkin’, ‘Wonder what I’ve missed?’) Never thinkin’ about Monday, ’bout the real life he led (Never knowin’ if it’s Monday, if he’ll ever get ahead) Just the smell of sweaty horses and the peace inside his head (Just the smell of sweaty horses and a blanket for a bed)...
How do you explain Thanksgiving to a 3 year old? “A long time ago...” “Yesterday?” “No, more than yesterday. A bunch of people came in a big boat...” “Pirates?” “No, good guys and mamas and babies...” “And boys, too?” “Yup, and boys, too. But when they got in the woods they were hungry but they didn’t know what to eat.” “And they had bears in the woods, and tigers.” “Probably, but they didn’t see them. So they were hungry and walked around looking for something to eat. And then came the I...
They stood in the back of the room lookin’ like two Oakland Raider linebackers at a preppie quiche-tasting party. They had on unblocked hats with flat brims and each man wore a neck scarf and new Wrangler’s. Steve ambled over and asked where they were from. “Nevada,” they said, “We ranch.” They discussed the cattle business and bad-mouthed the government, as usual. Pretty soon they got to discussin’ mutual acquaintances. Steve had a friend named Pat from way up around Brothers, Oregon. “Quit...
Ol’ Wayne was real particular about his steers. He figgered if he spent his hard earned pennies tryin’ to get a few extra pounds, he dang sure wasn’t gonna sweat it off ‘em durin’ the gather. Nobody’s horse had broke a trot all day as they trailed the bunch to the corral. One brahmer-cross turned back. “Jes’ let ‘im go, boys… Don’t want to rile the others.” Durin’ the next week Wayne scattered a little hay each day for the lone holdout. By Saturday he had him up to the little knoll above the co...
It was a bad day at Black Rock that fateful Halloween. It all began the week before, the call had seemed routine. “I’ve got a mare needs checkin’, Doc, I b’lieve the sweetheart’s bred.” “I’ll swing by there this afternoon,” Good Doctor Kelly said. The mare was mincing round the stall as Kelly donned the sleeve. “This should only take a second,” his assessment was naive. “She’s just a little nervous, Doc, but...I guess I would be too. If you were pointin’ that at me I’d kick you to Timbucktu!...
He rose in the class, hand over his heart And spoke of his future career “The political ring’s where I’ll throw my hat I love the applause and the cheers.” “I’ll learn all the buzzwords, and then make some up Like mandate and flexible goals. Ecoelastic alternative tax With built-in confusing loopholes. “Inflation, deflation, reliable source I’ll climb the political rungs And dazzle the voters with rhetorical quotes And the art of speaking in tongues. I’ll master the impasse and walk on the f...
I was sittin’ in the back row of a beautiful little church in a mountain town in the Rockies. I was there for the wedding of a daughter of good friends. As the service progressed, my attention was drawn to a banner that hung on the wall. It was handmade, cut from cloth and intended to be inspiring. It read, Mount Up With Winos. Many thoughts went through my mind as I tried to absorb the full meaning of this elaborate banner. I had come to realize over the years that many Protestant churches have...
It struck in late October like a plague of mustard gas. It started with a trickle but then soon began to mass. In pens and cattle alleys on the new receiving side, The fall run was beginning and there was no place to hide. The boss said, “Git’em processed, just as fast as they come in! A crew’ll bring ’em to ya and then take ’em back again.” So, K.T. got three cowboys and headed toward the shed, “You shovel out the squeeze chute, Clyde. Juan, come with me,” she said. They filled a gooseneck tra...
You were just a dog. But a good dog. Right from the start. Your loyalty was never in question. And what you didn’t know, you didn’t know because I never took the time to teach you. When you were young I was harder on you. I expected you to understand the basics... and you learned them. A “bad dog” was like a whip on your back. But when uncontrollable instinct got you in trouble, I didn’t hold it against you. I doc tored you up, changed your bed and remembered that reason gets left behind in...
Mr. Moses remarked the other day he’d received a catalog in the mail from a western clothing outfit. He wasn’t sure who the outfit catered to, but the name ‘Long Island’ seemed to stick in his mind. The photo on the front had burned an image into his brain. A male model stood in cowboy posture, a Clint Eastwood steely-eyed glare glinting from beneath the brim of his Zorro hat. It appeared that moths had eaten the collar off his shirt. He wore a duster that was sort of a cross between Jim Bridger...
I have known and worked with many women in the feedlot business. Some as cowboys, some as vets, some as lay doctors, as cattle processors, feed truck drivers, foremen (or forepersons) and managers (or should that be womanagers?). Lest you think I’m going to waste your time with a commentary on cute political correctness witticisms, relax, I’m not. Nor do the feedlot women I know waste their time with political correctness. I think I’d be safe in saying affirmative action doesn’t have much im...
Catching avocado rustlers is sort of a cross between the Covid virus, wildfires, exchange students bearing addictive goodies and coon hunting. “All right, come down outta that tree and drop that avocado. Frisk him, Ken and don’t forget to check for lemons.” In the southern California county of Ventura you will find the occasionally fractious co-mingling of densely populated residential areas and intensive orchard and truck farming. I’m sure there was a time when farmers gladly supplied their n...
They were just words. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Reagan to Gorbachev at the Brandenburg Gate, 1987 “Chance of rain.” Weatherman in Louisiana before Hurricane Katrina, 2005. “Give me liberty or give me death.” Patrick Henry, 1775 “I wish I’d never read this book... so I could read it again for the first time”. Dan Trimble about Hemingway’s “Old Man and the Sea”. 1992 “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank.” Erma Bombeck. 1976 We often underestimate the value of...
When the crew came toward the cookhouse Hazel shut and locked the door. “Don’t you even think about it! Looks like y’all been in a war.” And though Hazel didn’t know it, she was not far off the track They’d been workin’ pasture cattle and them critters could fight back! All that grass that they’d been eatin’ lubricated their insides Plus those cows were full as dog ticks and a little loose besides So when squeezed in some tight corner they could aim their guns at will And bombard that crew...
There is a common belief among many urban folks that a cowboy rides around all day and sings to cows. John Wayne and Tom Mix added “Drifting Ranch Saver” to their résumé. “Don’t worry, Nell, Black Bart will never get your ranch as long as Silver and I remain compassionate!” Marlboro turned him into a person who chases horses all over the place and relaxes around the chuckwagon in a yellow slicker. We cowboy poets have augmented the picture of the cowboy as a Shakespearian throwback with green...
I played in a celebrity golf tournament in Oklahoma City a while back. Now, I’ve been to a few celebrity team ropings, a couple celebrity stock dog trials, a million brandings and one celebrity rock pickin’ - but this was my first celebrity golf tournament. Generous people paid a lot of money to play golf with well-known folks. The money was donated to help the blind. I got in the golf cart with a feller named Phil. He asked me what my handicap was. I couldn’t think of anything real bad excep...
“The farmer has always been a peasant.” – Richard Blinco Idaho When the market crashed in 1975, Richard had a ranch, feedlot, dairy, potatoes, alfalfa and a packing house. Here we sit 45 years later and not much has changed. Today less than 1.3% of the American population, (and 7% in Canada), is involved in production agriculture. We, who are left with the responsibility of feeding the ever-growing population that now stands at 331 million people. We do it. It is lots of work. We have an enorm...
The other day on the internet, I saw an old commercial of a semi truck that had these words painted on the side: JONNY KAT, KITTY LITTER. For some reason that had a profound ffect on me. Imagine a semi full of kitty litter! 40,000 pounds of scented, colored, and packaged cat box contents! That has to say something about our affluent society, about the shape of our civilization. Some of our past inventions are quite practical and ingenious. The self-sealing, puncture proof tire, mercury lights,...
Another white horse just rode by. I guess I saw him comin’ I felt him breathin’ down my neck, I heard his hoofbeats drummin’. I’ve seen ’em’ pass this way before. They mark the separation Of mossy horns from yearlin’ bucks. Each one’s a generation. I saw one pass at seventeen, at thirty-five and fifty They rode by loud and brave and bold or snuck by sly and shifty. They had no time to stop and talk or ponder gettin’ older They pushed their elders for a while then pushed ’em off the shoulder. T...
